Good Vibes for an Old Friend.

You never know how people truly affect you until eight years have passed…and you are still brought to tears in and instant when thinking about them.  My life has been affected by few people outside of my family over the years – and I guess that I could have considered this one a family member too.  He was there for the better part of those years when the people around me made a critical standpoint in my life – and above them all, he is who I remember.  Of all the times to have him pulled away from me, he was just as I entered high school and it was a time that I would never forget.  It took me almost two years to even start to heal and…I think it’s been six now since I could I forgive.

He doesn’t know anything about this…and why would he?  To him, I was just a kid… I was there for his amusement, if nothing else.  But, I was okay with that then… Maybe, if only for the fact that knowing that someone whom I, without a doubt, put onto a pedestal might have wanted me around?   Kind of ridiculous, isn’t it?

These days, I don’t have a clear explanation as to why I got so attached to him then.  But that attachment resonates with me even until this day.   It’s always been hard for me to let him go because it seems like, every time I am about to start, he gets thrown back into my life somehow… even if it is only for a day.  One day, five minutes…can make a world of difference.

This morning – maybe it is the lack of sleep or maybe just the memories brought up by an e-mail I got from a friend – but I find it hard not to cry for him.  My tear ducts are pretty much super glued shut a lot of the time, but they are starting to break a little free now, lol.

And, I just wonder…does he know the effect that he had on me?  Did he try? 

So even though I doubt he will ever read this, I feel the need to put it out into the universe…

You are loved, old friend.  Despite everything that you are suspected of doing and how easy I found that it was to hate you – merely because it was easier than missing you – you are loved.  The profound affect that you had on my life will always go remembered.  I just hope that you realize it.  And not in that egocentrical manner that I’ve seen from you.  You might be the only person that I’ve ever truly loved – and lost – and missed. 

If you ever do see this – and figure out that it’s about you – don’t laugh too hard at me, okay?