People

So today, I do have something to say. Something that is not all about me, but, about other people. Other people who - lately - have been driving my nerves into the brick wall. Maybe even people who have been doing it long before "lately." But, today, it's not just people in general - today, it's people who think the world revolves around them. And as of recently, it seems like I've come across a lot that type of person - and it just makes me sick.

Within this category of drama seekers, there are two types. One that think that they are better than everyone else and one that think they are worse than everyone else. Both types constantly bitch and constantly complain and both types always claim they don't start/get involved with the drama when they are right in the middle of it. They always have something to say about everyone else - but when it comes to their own life, they won't do what is best for themselves.

For the ones who think that they are better than everyone else - you know what? More power to you. You aren't and you are gonna get yours one day. Trust me. Because you are not as smart as you think you are and you will make a mis-step.

But to the ones that think they are worse than everyone else - Well, you know what? Suck it the fuck up. The world ain't about you, honey! And it's not nearly as bad as you claim for it to be. You are the type of person that make your own life a thousand times worse than it already is because you are constantly playing the "pity me" card. To yourself and to everyone else. You refuse to see the good in anything, but instead, take the hundred little bad things and amplify them times a thousand instead of taking all of the little good things and making them count.

You feel worthless? It's because you think you are worthless. You think that you aren't good enough to do anything other than sit on your ass and feel sorry for yourself. Instead of focusing your attention on one good thing, you make yourself feel worse with all of the little bitty bad shit things that will not even matter tomorrow.

So you want a better life? Go get one. No, it's not easy. In fact, it is the hardest fucking thing that you will ever have to do - but until you try - you don't have the right to sit behind a fucking computer screen and bitch and complain and annoy the hell out of everyone that chooses to read it. Because, you know what? The fact that you are doing that? Means that eventually, all you are going to have is yourself. Because you won't go out and get anything or anyone else and those that you have, WILL leave you behind.

And before you go and get offended - don't even try. Because there are millions of people in this world that are worse than you. People that don't have homes or medical care or the chance to figure out why they literally cannot do anything for themselves. People that are paralyzed, or mentally incapable of making a decision that could save their life. Children who are too young to know that they shouldn't be beaten and raped, or kids that don't know another life other than this or not knowing when their next meal will come. Parents that have to sit around and watch as their kids kill themselves on drugs or have to watch as their grand-kids get treated like shit.

So before you sit there and sob for yourself, think about the millions of other people that are so much worse off than you - then think about how a lot of them have a much better attitude and much better drive than you. THEN, sit there and sob for yourself and just how pathetic you really are. And then, maybe you will decide to get off your sobbing ass and do something about your crumby life instead of trying to make other people feel bad for you. Because you know what? I don't. And I never will.

And here we go again...

So I managed to not get a really great start on this. Honestly? It wasn't my fault. Every time I started to write, something would happen. When I started this thing...it was a crazy time. I needed somewhere to write - somewhere to be completely honest with everyone for the first time - because holding things back got me. Well, I never really got the chance to be honest because about the time I started to be - I was constantly on the phone and constantly fielding phone calls. Constantly talking to everyone else that already knew about everything else. But...a month has past and things are starting to calm down a little bit - so I am going to do my best to play catch up.

The best place to start this all off is to say that - all parents fight. It's just apart of life and most kids have to, eventually, see it. That's unfortunate, if you ask me and maybe that is because I am jaded. Over the years, I have had to see it a lot more than that I would like - from the time that I was way to young to want to be able to hit a person in the head with a baseball bat -but none the less, I did. That - among the other things that I am bound to get to - are a lot of the reason why I have grown to be the way I am. Bitchy, kind of controlling, and a reclusive, creative, Patrick Star of Southeast Arkansas. I tell it like I see it - and I don't usually feel the need to lie, but if I find myself having to - I also find that I can usually look a person in the eye while I'm doing it.

Anyway, that's not the point.

The point is that, over the last year to year and half or maybe two years, the fighting has gotten substantially worse. A lot of it has to do with the fact that my mother is an alcoholic. Period, plain and simple - no matter how much she tries to deny it - she is an alcoholic. That, in and of itself, is stressful enough to have to deal with but you add on the fact that there is fighting - things just get worse. Especially when I am, to a certain extent, responsible for her actions and whereabouts - at least in the eyes of everyone else. (I am sure that she wonders why I am constantly bitchy and constantly in her business, well, this is why. When your 21-year-old daughter is essentially babysitting you, what do you expect?) But anyway...that is just part of it. The rest comes down to money and...this...

Apparently, at some point over the last year, my mother had an affair - or for all I really know - multiple affairs. There is evidence of it - it is not a fabricated story - but, in an effort to stay as neutral as possible - in a situation that was already hard enough to stay neutral in - I chose not to read the 96+ pages of emails and Facebook comments that my father acquired. Either way, I got informed of this via a phone call several days before my initial breakdown that led me to my Uncle's for four days. While there, shit hit the fan, of course. My mother left - my father broke down - and you can imagine how everyone else in the family was reacting.

To top it all off - for whatever reason - it turns out that most, if not all of the bills, were at least two months behind and we, supposedly, were on the verge of losing everything. They say that, everything happens all at once, well...everything did happen all at once and most it was because of my mother and likely, her drinking.

So, I spent the next ten days fielding phone calls. Talking out my feelings, trying to figure out plans of action for the things that I could help with, and trying to be of some verbal assistance to my Dad who was taking this all extremely hard. But finally, after nearly a week, my Mother came back and they decided to try and work things out. All went well for a while, then there was a blow up. To go into why there was a blow up and what all happened would take, no doubt, a longer essay that I would like to write. So, let's just say, that I wasn't here until the end, cops were called, and the next day, she left again. Not, however, without pissing me off this time - and as most of you know - you don't piss me off without major repercussions.

Anyway, that weekend was pretty much hell anyway as my brother decided that he wanted to come down. He obviously did not take subtleties very well, because, honestly? Who would come down at a time like that? But, a little over 24-hours after she left, she came back. From then on, it was a tense weekend, but the tension managed to subside once my brother finally left.

Since then, things haven't been too bad, but they haven't been great either. It's been a battle of wills, to be honest. Fortunately, my mother finally got a job - so that, alone, takes a lot of the pressure off of me that has been on me since she came back this last time. It also helps that, after the last blow out on Friday night, they left Saturday and haven't been back. (Went to my other Uncle's for a day, then to the who let me stay at his home last month when this started, and have been there since. Seeing as how that is closer to both of their jobs now, it was just easier while my mother gets used to things again, especially.) I don't know if they are coming back tonight or tomorrow, but either way, this break has been good. I needed it.

I am hoping that I don't end up having to go to my grandmother's later to help her move. I am going to do it, because I said that I would, but I am really not looking forward to the heat. Especially on, if I have to go today, no sleep. I have already been working this morning - I am in the process of doing some laundry, swept the floor, and am going to finish loading the dishwasher at some point.

I will probably try to keep myself busy doing things, on and off, for most of the day so that I can get my schedule straight. I have a lot that I need to do anyway. I am getting an apartment this semester at school and I move in at the beginning of August. So...gotta get ready for that. But...expect more of these blogs. More about what has been going on and how I've felt. There's a lot of - a lot to say. But I'll get it all out.

Eventually.

A new beginning...

Kind of a cheesy title for an introduction, right? I mean, as meaningful as it may be, it’s really cliché. And honestly, this really can’t be considered a “new beginning.” It’s just the beginning of another one of the countless blogs and journaling accounts that I have across the internet. But, at the same time, it also signifies a change that I am going to try and make.

I have some friends that I have known for years. I met them online. Now granted, they aren’t much different than any of my real life friends – minus the fact that I actually talk to my “online” friends these days and not so much to my real life. Don’t think that is really as sad as it sounds. All of my “real life” friends, those that I have known since I was a kid, have gone on to have lives. Children, husbands, jobs and school…none of them even live around here anymore. Relationships tend to fall to pieces that way, but they are always still holding on by a thread…and in some cases, it’s a pretty strong thread.

That being proven to me just yesterday. I was having one of the worst days of my life – and suddenly – I got a message from a friend on Facebook. One of my best friends throughout my childhood. She moved away the summer before our 10^th grade year in school and has been gone ever since. We’ve somewhat kept in touch over the years, but not nearly as much as we probably should have. None the less, she sent me a message that day – and while I couldn’t really bring myself to keep talking about how bad the day had been – it still made me smile. And made me remember that people do care and do think of me – even if I sometimes (or always) don’t think they do.

None the less, back to the point that I have managed to get away from – this, I suppose, is a “new beginning” for me because I am choosing, from here on out, to write about things that I have never before written about. The things have gone on in my life, in the past and recently, what tends to put me in a constant bad mood and all of the feelings that keep me paranoid and sensitive to being “forgotten.”

So, in the words of Michael Jackson – and probably others who are far smarter than the him or me –

This is me. This is it.

This is what makes me who I am – and this is what is going on in my life. I think that you will agree with me…I’m likely the most boring character in a real life soap opera. So expect a lot of posts for a little while – I have a lot to say – and I am about to figure out where to start.